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Monday, May 09, 2005
Quick Hits (and misses): The Post-Mother's Day Edition
by Mark Beerman
You shouldn't speak bad about a man's mama on Mother's Day. That is why I'm doing it the day after...Hah!
To Donovan McNabb's mom: GO AWAY! Nevermind you hocking bad soups to the people, but you make Donovan look like the ultimate mama's boy. I can see Mama McNabb packing Donovan a sandwich, chips and juicebox for his pre-game meal and taking him to Baskin Robbins to celebrate every victory. No wonder Donovan gagged in the Super Bowl...he realized he wasn't going to get his ice cream sundae in the football helmet of his choice!
To Kellen Winslow Jr.'s mother: What the *bleep* were you thinking when you raised this kid? Kellen practically ingested that silver spoon when he crashed his motorcycle. But I'm sure mama tells little Kellen Jr. that teams will take chances on him until he makes it (or more likely, crashes and burns). I've known some spoiled brats in my day, but Kellen Jr. just doesn't get it. You can also blame Kellen Sr. for it too. It's just that Senior comes across as being sane when Junior wants to throw away his career before it starts. Whatever it is in the Winslow household, mama needs to slap Junior...even if she needs to breakout a blackjack to do it.
To Tom Brady: Thank your mom everyday for the charmed life you live. Stop screwing the Tara Reid's of the world and go get yourself a woman with beauty and brains, who'll help you make great grandkids for your mother. Stop trying to be the millionaire playboy. Based on your recent contract extension, you don't have enough to survive a couple of illegitimate kids and two marriages. It's time to plan for the future, Tom. You owe it just as much to yourself as your mom to settle down and ready the next generation of the Brady clan.
To Drew Rosenhaus' mother: Thanks for beating the boy with a rubber-hose for 17 years...he's taking out his aggression, frustration and need for money on other teams now. Nevermind the ramifications on the actual NFL teams. Do you know how this will effect me in my keeper league? Javon Walker is my best receiver and I don't need Brett not passing to him. Nevermind that my second best keeper option at wide receiver is Drew Bennett. If your little boy ruins my championship aspirations, I will find you and take you out...and I don't mean on a date.
You are dismissed Marine...Semper Fi, hooorah!